Overanalyzing crazy brain

I’m having a bad day today. By “bad,” I mean intensely worrisome. This is what’s on my mind.

Does everyone come to the point in their relationships where you think if you just ask the right questions, address certain topics, and answer them/discuss accordingly, that you will then somehow know how well the rest of the relationship will turn out? You know. . . How the dynamics between partners will mesh and work out. . . How compromises and personal decisions will solidify success. . . . I’m looking for the sign that lets you KNOW things will work out and be okay. Alas, I don’t think there is a documented way to KNOW. What is that test if there is one?

I’m at that spot. Not that anything is wrong with my relationship with N (as far as I am concerned it’s the greatest and most successful of all relationships of all time), but we’ve been together a while and that length of time starts begging of more serious talk. Maybe this phase of a relationship is more difficult and taxing for me as an individual. I’m troubled–unjustly so. Maybe?

Yes, I’m uneasy or shaken in my confidence of having a good thing going. I think it’s just the uncertainty of the thing to me. Being the type A-ish person that I am, I like plans and certainties. . . like some things in science and equations in Algebra–where things work out according to specific rules. I’m plenty used to taking care of me but now there’s another person in the mix. Can I handle taking care of two?

After all this thinking and worrying and fretting today over things that you can’t control, the realization hit me. What really determines the success of any relationship are the decisions that two people make to be together. It’s that both have to respect/love enough and be dedicated enough to create a successful thing. That’s really what it is.

Thanks for listening. I feel better.

2011: A Year in Review

My last post was from June. . . 2011. Oops. It’s now 2012. Where did the time go? Well, you know what they say. Time flies when you are having fun. And I think I have been having fun.

2011 turned out to be one of the best years of my life. (That’s amazing to me especially because 2010 was probably the worst year of my life.) It began with an e-mail from a stranger who became a friend, and then became so much more. There was no looking back. 2011 was filled with activities and fun with him and with many other friends. There was hiking and backpacking all spring and summer. Lots of yummy food was cooked and new recipes tried. I made new friends. I sailed ships. I climbed rocks. I knitted. I read books. I read blogs. I sewed. I came. I saw. Oh wait. . . .

Skillet Pizza!

Truly, 2011 was a year of new discoveries for myself. I have grown and learned how to be emotional. N helped me with this. I was raised in a family that loved, I guess, but we didn’t show it to each other. N showed me that I can break out of that “nurture” mold to adopt my own philosophy of emotion. I can break that familial mold. It’s so important to say what you feel and to express those feelings often–I mean love or displeasure. Everything. Otherwise, you’ll go crazy if you never say what you think and speak your mind. I don’t say to do this without the appropriate filters, but with tact and only when necessary. Because sometimes it is better to do as your Mom always said and not say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say.

2011 was a year that presented love to me. I don’t mean what you’ve heard people say that you thought was love. I mean true knock you down, feel it physically in your chest love. It is wonderful! It means knowing someone is really there for you. You know they will drop everything for you. It means you give up yourself to be what they need. It means learning how to be selfless.

Also, this year held an awesome vacation. Each year does. This years taste of vacation was a roadtrip to Maine. In late September, N and I packed up my sweet car and headed to Maine. Our first night was a quick stop in Connecticut on the way up for sleep and breakfast. Finishing up the rest of the drive we arrived at our first destination–Acadia National Park.

Acadia N.P. from the Beachcroft Trail

We camped for three days there and hiked and enjoyed the marvelous weather and sea air. Starting south our next stop was the town of Camden, ME to board the Schooner Mary Day. We sailed alongside the crew and other passengers for 4 days out into the Atlantic ocean. The experience was priceless. We worked, we lazed about, we ate food prepared from a wood-fired stove. I’ll never forget the sound of the water lapping on the side of the boat when I’m laying in the dark in my cabin. I’ll also never forget the bioluminescence that I saw in the water.

A misty morning for the Mary Day

Amazing! You only hear of such things and then you see it and you are speechless. After deboarding, we drove down through Boston and Plymouth to Cape Cod. We camped at Nickerson State Park and biked the rail trail up to the National Seashore. Such beauty! On our way home we stopped for a quick camp in Shenandoah National Park in Virginia. Do you think it’s over? Nope! One night at home and we packed up again to head to Jonesborough, TN for The National Storytelling Festival. It was such a joy for me to share that with N. I knew he would love it. Mmmm. Vacations. Such things are what I live for.

A new niece! Sweet!

This year also bore the birth of my Niece, M. She is beautiful! It is true that I love her in a way that I can love no other child. I wish I could be with her more. She is such a happy child. She laughs more than she cries and she has dimples. How can you resist that?

Holidays were new because of M and N. Thanksgiving was spent with both of them at my parents’ house. It was a lovely day. Christmas was different this year but it still worked. I was with N at his mother’s place and I had family Christmas at my brother’s home. The differences were good and I think they were a nice change for everyone.

Well, that’s all I’ve got to say. Yay for 2011!